Screw Guilt

I have a bumper sticker on my car that says “Screw Guilt.” Guilt is one of those tricky, sticky emotions that can shape our whole outlook on life but with practice it can be effectively managed with self-compassion and strong boundaries.

While guilt can be an appropriate emotion if we do something outside of our value system or that we know is wrong, the type of guilt that I talk about with my clients often results from other people putting their “stuff” on us. That can look like attempts to make us feel responsible for their emotions or experiences by using passive-aggressive language, emotionally manipulative tactics to try and influence us to do what they wants us to do or the cold shoulder when we don’t comply.

For people pleasers, guilt is a very familiar feeling because it can influence everything we do. If you are someone who apologizes for every little thing or struggles to stand up for yourself in situations where doing so might risk hurting the other person’s feelings, often the culprit behind that behavior is guilt. Guilt can spring up if we fear we are making other people unhappy. This can have roots in childhood, where people pleasers were often taught that being “good,” “obedient,” or “helpful” was one way to ensure stability. Because acceptance and connection are hardwired into our survival, kids can learn to compromise their own needs by prioritizing others as a way to cope. This is especially true if the grownups in the family experienced trauma or struggled with substance use or mental health issues that made their emotions wildly unpredictable, unreadable or violent for the kid.

Whether the grown up intended this or not, they can develop a reliance on the kid to take care of their emotions and create stability in the family. If the kid fells short of these expectations, ensuing anger or disappointment can become encoded as failure, leading to guilt. If we zoom out, what’s really happening in this situation is the adult struggling take responsibility for their feelings and actions and instead offloading them to the kid. And these kids grow into adults who replicate this pattern in other relationships.

But this assumption around guilt ignores the other person’s ability or opportunity to take responsibility for themselves. This is where boundary setting is key. 

So how do we interrupt the guilt trip?

Notice what guilt feels like in your body. This may take some practice. I always describe it as a “hook” or pulling sensation in my stomach. My breathing might become more labored or feel stuck in my chest, especially if I feel guilted into doing something with some urgency behind it.